Rabbi al Awwal Reflections ...

For years I was lost
Wandering around without any idea of why I am here
Or what I was supposed to do
And when I would hear your name
It was only because everyone from a certain place 
Or faith seemed to have that name
The mechanic
The new kid at school 
Or a world famous famous boxer
I even met someone who had your name as his first AND last name …
"What's your name ???" I asked the Iranian mechanic
"Muhammad"
"And what's your last name ???"
"Muhammad"
"So you have the same first name and last name ???"
"Yes. Muhammad Muhammad"
I couldn't even begin to understand why these Desi's, Arabs, Africans
Would never get tired of naming their children after you
If I ever asked one of them 
"So what did you name your newborn son ???"
"Muhammad"
"Oh" I would think
"That's original"

I couldn't, for the life of me
Understand why 5 brothers from the same family and their father
Would all keep your name
As their official first names
And use their middle names
To tell each other apart
Why
When it came to daily use
They were Zafar, Azhar, or Saeed
But when their proudest moments came
And it came time for their name to be printed 
Onto their degrees and awards
Your name would appear there first
Why
When I called my childhood playmate to come out
And asked his mother
"Can I talk to Mo please ???"
The woman who usually never said much 
And always seemed so modest said
"Don’t call him Mo. His name is Muhammad"

When I read and learned a bit more
I came to understand that you had some standing with these people
But some people who wrote and spoke about you
Seemed like they were only out to put you down at all costs
And when I only heard and read those things
I believed them and did not want to look any further
But never did I hear anything in your defense from the people around me
Who carried your very name and believed in you
Not even a word that I can remember
But I do recall
The Muslim girl in the coffee shop
Couldn't stop adding some puzzling phrase
Every time she mentioned your name while explaining Islam to me
"Do you always have to say that after you say his name ???" I asked her
"What is that ??? Sala waley wasalam ??? What does that mean ???"
And I noticed as I asked more questions to Muslims, and sat with them
It became rare to hear your actual name after that

Only

RasoolAllah

It sounded so nice, although I don't know what it meant

Rasool Allah
Rasool Allah
Rasool Allah

So after years of worshipping
Anything that came my way
Or anything I thought could give me a good job when I grew up
It was a slow and gradual journey
After canceling out statues, then all the deities
Then the gurus and those claiming god-status
Then the avatars and finally the "Son"
I came to understand the Lord you were speaking about
Rather, He made me understand
And I realized I had been speaking to Him my whole life
Only looking for Him in all the wrong places
Still, no one mentioned you much

And I remember, for my own shahada
And so many other shahadas I witnessed after that
The first line was always easiest to say:
"I bear witness that there is no god but God"
But the second"
And I bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and messenger"
At that time
Was perplexing
Why did I have to say that ???
What does that mean anyways ??? 
Why is it part of my coming to Truth ???
And no one really took time to explain why
Or who you were in a deep way
But my thirst for God
The Real God
Made me accept the one who was bringing His true message

Then, at first, faith was cool
A side thing while I was getting on with the rest of life
The brothers were nice, a lot of biryani and free food at first
My kufi was on soon after 
Patchy chin hairs started growing 
Pants rolled up
Just trying to be a "Good Muslim" 
A trophy in the convert cabinet
And when I chose my name
I wanted Abdullah
And they said
Of course, it should be Muhammad Abdullah
Very well
Muhammad Abdullah I am

And I learned slowly, or at least perceived
That nothing was important besides the Lord
And that La ilaha ill Allah [There is no god but God]
Was a negation of everything else other than Him
That our love for anything but Him was nothing in comparision
Little when compared to love of parents, sister, wife, my own self
And it was hard at first
It was hard to detach my heart from all of creation
Because after being so steeped in it
Even worshipping it for years
To put all of my love for the Lord
And none for anything in creation
Was something that would take time and growing
But I had no complaints

Your name was always, on the list of who a Muslim should love
Officially at 2nd place after God
Then I heard your saying
That no one truly believes till they love you more than parent
Child and all mankind
And I thought
Officially, you’re the # 2 to love
But who actually did that ??? 
At least it didn't show to that extent
I knew people had great love for you 
But perhaps I didn't see it come out all the time

I did see many people
Tripping over themselves to copy you in everything
Everything outward
Your hair 
Or the way you brushed your teeth
Or quoting you when talking about ruling with Islamic laws
Almost making you out to be
Just a beloved political leader
Or founder of a faith
Or a normal person who we look up to and respect
Or simply a demonstrator of external lifestyle patterns
A sort of instruction manual
That you read, and then put aside when the machine is assembled
And the result is a robot
And there were also people
Who knew you had brought the Message
But treated you like you were some sort of a mailman
Good morning, just drop it in my box, please
And if I happen to be on my porch when you passed by
I might just take it in my hand
Say thanks, and you're on your way
Never realizing
That you had lived and died
To send us that Message
That you had cried
Day and Night
So that we could be guided to it
Standing and begging Allah when others were sleeping 
Until your blessed feet
Were swollen
Asking Allah if you could step in and rescue us 
Your Ummah 
On The Day
When our sinful selves
Might otherwise deserve so much punishment for all our sins
You passed away concerned for us 
Mentioning us

My Ummah
My Ummah

And I read some nice things about your life
That no one seemed to want to try to copy 
Much because it was inward
And inward is the hardest aspect to improve
I read such sweet things about what you did 
And what you were like
The humble beginnings you had as an orphan
The way you were so honest and just
Your kindness to widows, slaves and the poor
The way you respected women
The way you forgave your persecutors

And then I fell in love with you
Not quite like I had fallen in love with anyone else before
Not like Ram, Krishna or Jesus
I didn't love you superstitiously 
Because I wanted my worldly wants granted
In fact, you weren't the one to grant those things
But I fell in love with you for who you were
For your ways, your concern, your love for us
Your complete humanness, but your complete excellence
And as I walked around with this love for you
I was always afraid people might think it was too much
But I can't lie
My heart would break every time I heard what you went through

Then I met some people
Who loved you so much
And spoke of you
And their love for you
All the time
And prayed for you
All the time
And wanted to copy your every move
Outwardly, and even more so, inwardly
And they were the best of characters I had ever met
And they cried when your name was mentioned
And rose to their feet when your birth was recounted
And their eyes would fall to the floor
When one of your relatives would enter the room
And they would kiss the hands
Of anyone who wore your sunnah

And at first I was so resistant
Stubbornly refusing to connect what was in my heart
With any outward expression
"Bida'h !!! Shirk !!!!" 
The dogs would bark, chasing their own tails
And I tried to act like I was so against those who showed their love for you
But my eyes would betray me every time
I heard your praises sung
And I couldn't hide myself
No matter how much I refused to sing, or attend the gatherings
Shuttering myself up in my house as the minarets
Would fill the streets with songs about you Thursday nights
I couldn't help but melt just thinking about you for a few minutes

Until I realized
Habeebi Muhammad !!! Peace Be Upon You !!!
Allah asked us for all of our love
To detach our hearts from created things
That we were so steeped in
And when we did detach
Knowing that our hearts were ever wont to return to creation
He told us to leave the love of those small, imperfect things
That can always hurt us, or let us down, or be flawed
And He gave us you
And sent you
As a Mercy to all the worlds
To guide us back to Him
To intercede for us
And He made it part of faith for us to love you
The best of Allah's creation
More than anything or anyone else in His creation
You would never let us down
Nor lead us astray
Rather, by filling our hearts with love for you
We could complete our faith and enhance the love for our Lord
What a mercy, to be able to relate to you and love you
You brought the message of my Lord to me
And took me out of the darkness I was in

Ya Rasool Allah, you're more than just a mailman to me
I won't ever treat you or see you like that
No matter what they say to me
And now that those barriers I had put up
Have been taken down
No, broken down, smashed to pieces
Like a dam that shatters under the pressure of a mighty river
Thoughts of you have flooded my life
And drowned me
Now I don't even know how to go any further towards you
With all this baggage of mistakes in my life
Though I persist in my imperfections
And I am trying to be better
I stop to realize my utter inability
To do this on my own
To reach my Lord through my own weak self
And so I beg Him
Your Lord and my Lord and the Lord of all
Through this love for you that He blessed me with
That is so pure
That goes beyond anything I have ever felt before for anyone else
That I am so utterly powerless to express right now in any way close to
what is felt
That I am ever-wanting to increase
The love that is the light of my life
And the sweetness of my breathing moments
For the sake of my loving His Beloved
That He have mercy on me
And forgive me for all my sins and bring me near to Him

And that He send infinite blessings on you O Messenger of Allah
In this month 
On this day
And every moment to come

And I give thanks to Him for you who showed us how to truly live
And you told us, did you not Ya Rasool Allah
That were we to prostrate for our whole lives
Simply to thank Him for our eyesight
We would not thank Him enough ???

So then how can I even begin
To thank Him enough
For the blessing
Of
You
Ya Sayyidi ???
No amount of lifetimes would suffice to thank Him for you
I can only ask him to enable me
To spend my life, till the very last moments
Saying, living, and breathing
Salawaat upon you

Sall Allahu 'alaika
Sall Allahu 'alaika
Sall Allahu 'alaika

Peace be upon you

O Final Messenger of God