As I write this ... My heart is heavy ... I've been quiet most of the day, just reflecting on life ... I drove to the Friday prayer with my dad today ... We made small talk, but I preferred to keep to myself and my thoughts ... I don't know what it is these days, but I'm sure even my father notices the distance that's been growing in between us ... I love my father to death, but even so, this seperation is something that I feel I have no control over ... A surge of emotions are running through me ... I want to scream, yell, cry, be alone, all while wanting a hug, love, someone to just listen to me and comfort me ... I just looked out the car window for most of the ride ... Looking at the tree's and the sky ... Taking in the sun and absorbing the warm, yet slightly chilly breeze ... Thoughts ran through my head in rapid succession ... That's one of the things I've noticed about myself when I'm out on a sunny day ... I can just stare at something and marvel at its beauty, and just doze off into childhood memories ... Memories of old friends, playing with cousins, the smell of fresh cut grass on the first day of school, eating those red, white and blue popsicles, being free without a worry in the world ... Not afflicted with the realities of a job and relationships, or where I'm going in life ... I just feel lonely ... empty ... Sad ... The more I contemplate, the deeper it's cutting into me ... Can't say I'm happy, and I think I've lost my smile ... But a good friend reminded me about a quote, which ironically, I wrote for them years ago ... It says "Don't wait until you're happy to smile ... But smile to be happy" ... God truly does put people in our lives for a reason ... His love for us is manifested through the love others give to us ... So why then, do we tend to hurt the ones we love the most ??? Why do we have hate and anger in us ??? Why do we lie ??? People lie because they are afraid ... But what are we afraid of ??? Why is it that people usually steal things that they have no use for ??? Why is it so hard to show the same face to everyone ??? Why do we pick and choose what we like about our friends or partners ??? Why can't we except people for who they are ??? Is it that hard to understand that everyone comes with their own stories and experiences ??? Can't we love without putting conditions on our love ??? Why are we so quick to point flaws in other people, but ignorant of our own short comings and faults ??? Why are we good at giving advice, but too blind to follow it ourselves ??? If everything is ultimately from God, then so are my thoughts, feelings and prayers ... So I'll leave it to Him and accept whatever He has destined for me ... Maybe these things are our tests ... Maybe people fail to see the blessings that are placed in front of them ... Maybe people need to come out of the circle of time, and into the circle of love ... Something to think about ... The answers may be beyond our limited understandings ... It's absolute knowlegde belongs to the One Who created creation when creation was not worthy of mention ... (c)

As for my father ... I love you dad, more than words could ever be expressed ... What you've given me, I could never be able to repay you ... You are a father, a friend and a teacher ... I am honoured to call you my dad ... And I pray that you are elevated to the highest station in both this world and the next ... I don't know if I've ever made you proud of me, but my heart aches in anticipation to hear those words come out of you one day ... But I can say that I am the proudest son, because I have you as my father ....


I love you,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

- Jafar Alam